Sometimes in the rush of going here and there and meeting with patients, their families and various facility personnel, it's easy to get mired down in the details of the job. Even forget how incredibly personal the job is, especially to the people that are affected by whatever disease that led them to needing our services in the first place. Maybe forgetting sometimes, is good. Perhaps, that's what allows us to keep doing it.
For me, the past two weeks have been very busy. It wasn't until the middle of this past week, that I had time to regroup, and think. Realizing that most of my patients in the past 2 weeks had been between the ages of 47 and 67. The family members have been getting younger and younger. Sitting across from a son or daughter, or even a patient, and looking into eyes that haven't seen much of life yet, and talking to them about death, had been slowly starting to effect my mood. I'm usually in a pretty good mood. Not Katie Couric perky, but I'm pretty easy going. The end of this week, I found myself irritated about the little things, that don't usually bother me.
Going back to the end of March, I met with a woman. I had noticed from my patient information, about 5 minutes before going into her room, that she was 47. It's a different mind set for me when I'm meeting with someone that is younger. I walked into her room and she was really working hard to breathe, but she was as welcoming to me as she would have been if I had been visiting her home for lunch. I introduced myself and told her where I was from. She had been expecting me. We talked, I explained our services, but she wasn't ready to make her mind up yet. She asked if I could come back the next day. I was seeing her for heart problems, but she had a host of other medical problems as well. She had found out the day before, that her kidneys had failed and, in fact, was going to start dialysis, that very day. She was nervous, and so I stayed and just talked with her for a while. She explained that she had gotten a virus 2 years earlier and it had affected her heart. That had been the beginning of this very long illness. Her personality and positive attitude really touched me. I saw her several times over the next 2 weeks. She got progressively worse. Finally, after fighting a hard fight, she died, and I'm glad we were there for her and her family. She left me a little sad, but also made an impression on me and those that had cared for her in the hospital, as well.
I guess my "breaking point" this week, was the phone conversation I had with a 25 year old young man the other night. He was handling everything for his 57 year old mother. He had just been told by her doctor that she only had "a few days". This kid is a college student. My daughter is a college student. She was taking finals this last week. I asked him when his finals were. His were also going on, only he couldn't be by his mother's side and take finals, so his mother came first. That was the moment the nurse line became blurry and I slipped into mom mode. How could I not? As I explained things to him and asked him questions, he got choked up and said "this is really getting very real now." He wanted some information that I usually show my families. Knowing his age, I knew he would have his laptop. He said he did, so I was able to scan and email him the information and pictures he wanted. For the next hour or so we texted back and forth, and a few phone calls later, we had a plan. He said he felt better. I was glad, but boy were my emotions a wreck! I was thinking that this kid needed a hug. I was thinking, texting him, was no different than when I text my own kids. Also thinking that when I'm 57, my daughter will be 25 too. I will admit, I had myself a nice little cry.
I know that I obviously can't take all of my patient's and their families to heart. It would just be too much. Most of the time, I manage to find that happy medium between doing all that I can for them, and staying emotionally ok for me. I guess getting mired in the details of the job, is just exactly what I need.
